I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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