I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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