yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
