Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
