i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
