If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
