I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I just want nice things and good sex
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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