I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
