Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
