She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Randomize
