i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
