hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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