I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
