oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
i think i just naturally attract stoners
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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