I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Please don't give away my fajitas
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
