quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
