i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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