I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
