This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize