I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Randomize
