my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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