i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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