yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
