I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
