the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
