someone owes me an orgasm
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
