I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
