So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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