i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
