So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
do nipples grow back?
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