that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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