my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
