I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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