So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
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