I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
