I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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