put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
