theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
