Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
