We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
