I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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