she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize
