It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
