Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
