She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
