i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
