hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
