WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
