if you like me you must not know who I am
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
