seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
